Bush and Election Funnies Received via Email
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Last Update: 1-30-2004
|Signs and Bumper Stickers
Gore Concession Speech
God Overrules Supreme Court Verdict
Preview of Dubya's ( His Fraudulency, II's ) inauguration speech
Dear Abby Bush advice
A "Between the Lines" Transcript of the First Gore-Bush Debate
Michael Moore's letters to Bush and the community (serious and parody)
Bush Leaked Press Release
Bush Speech to Congress - 9-24-01
Miscellaneous Bush Funnies
Commonalities between Bush and Bin Laden
Bush Pact with the Devil - on Iraq War and other empire building
also see http://www.thismodernworld.com/
The master of the political cartoon panel
Subject: Signs and Bumper Stickers
"Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes
decide everything." -Joseph Stalin (Bush campaign advisor)
Jews for Buchanan - by accident
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida gave us Dumbo
DON'T THROW AWAY YOUR VOTE........LET KATHERINE HARRIS DO IT FOR YOU
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant.
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
To you I'm a drunk driver; to my friends, I'm presidential material!
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR HIS DADDY EITHER
IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL YOUR BROTHER COUNTS THE VOTES
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
The Bush Administration - Taxpayer Supported Organized Crime
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years
Campaign spending: $184,000,000.
Having your little brother rig the election for you: Priceless.
How Many Lives Per Gallon?
Draft SUV Drivers First
Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld - Axis of Weasel
Raider Nation, Not Raid Other Nations
Subject: Presidential Advice
One night, G.W. Bush was awakened by George Washington's ghost.
Bush saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to
help the country, if I am elected President?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark
"Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country, if I am
elected President?" Bush asked.
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.
Bush didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure
in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost.
"Abe, what is the best thing I could do for the country, if elected
President?" Bush asked.
"Go to the theater," replied Abe.
Subject: GORE CONCESSION SPEECH
Al Gore Concession Speech, 1st Draft
Good evening, my fellow American: Tonight we come to the end of a long road
and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to overturn the Florida elect..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 2nd Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 3rd Draft
Good evening, everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 4th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser," ..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 5th Draft Good evening, my fellow Americans. Approximately 12 million light years ago, when I was first dispatched to your planet from Zolloid 9 ..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 6th Draft
I can't do this. I just can't do this.
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 7th Draft
Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh
Bahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President
Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS!
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 8th Draft
My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 9th Draft (folksy approach) Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, when I was young boy frolicking on the zero-gravity ash fields of Zolloid 9, it never occurred to me when I downloaded the human emotion coding sequence..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 10th Draft
Good evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in American stealing is a cri..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 11th Draft
My fellow American, most of you probably know how to count. One. Two. Three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (Smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida..
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Al Gore Concession Speech, 12 Draft
Good evening, everyone. Generally speaking, civil war is never a good thing. But there are times . ah, forget it.
GOD OVERRULES SUPREME COURT VERDICT
Bush to be smitten later today
In a stunning development this morning, God invoked the "one nation, under God" clause of the Pledge of Allegiance to overrule last night's Supreme Court decision that handed the White House to George Bush.
"I'm not sure where the Supreme Court gets off," God said this morning
on a rare Today Show appearance, "but I'm sure as hell not going to lie back and let Bush get away with this bullshit."
"I've watched analysts argue for weeks now that the exact vote count in Florida 'will never be known.' Well, I'm God and I DO know exactly who voted for whom. Let's cut to the chase: Gore won Florida by exactly 20,219 votes."
Shocking political analysts and pundits, God's unexpected verdict overrules the official Electoral College tally and awards Florida to Al Gore, giving him a 289-246 victory. The Bush campaign is analyzing God's Word for possible grounds for appeal.
"God's ruling is a classic over-reach," argued Bush campaign strategist Jim Baker. "Clearly, a divine intervention in a U.S. Presidential Election is unprecedented, unjust, and goes against the constitution of the state of Florida."
"Jim Baker's a jackass," God responded. "He's got some surprises ahead of him, let me tell you. HOT ones, if you know what I mean."
God, who provided the exact vote counts for every Florida precinct, explained that bad balloting machinery and voter confusion were no grounds to give the White House to "a friggin' idiot."
"Look, only 612 people in Palm Beach County voted for Buchanan. Get real! The rest meant to vote for Gore. Don't believe me? I'll name them: Anderson, Pete; Anderson, Sam, Jr.; Arthur, James; Barnhardt, Ron..."
Our Lord then went on to note that he was displeased with George W. Bush's prideful ways and announced that he would officially smite him today. In an act of wrath unlike any reported since the Book of Job, God has taken all of Bush's goats and livestock, stripped him of his wealth and possessions, sold his family into slavery, forced the former presidential candidate into hard labor in a salt mine, and afflicted him with deep boils.
Dick Cheney will reportedly receive leprosy.
the God and the supreme court might have been authored by Paul Cienfuegos Director, Democracy Unlimited www.monitor.net/democracyunlimited(grassroots organization challenging corporate rule and promoting democratic participation)
A PREVIEW OF DUBYA'S ( His Fraudulency, II's ) INAUGURATION SPEECH by Frank Peralta
My fellow Armenians,
As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh, bipolar approach.
I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they need ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.
Politics doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their family on the table.
That's my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing "Streets in Laredo".
A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his baseba ll team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it will give o ur expansion a timely second dose of wind.
I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love , and especially to pass on.
Thanks, Mom and Dad.
We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super-premium;
we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world of madmen and mental
losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate. We need a sharpened sword
to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: "I do not believe in a fate that
will fall on us if we do nothing. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us
if we do something. And it must never run our lives."
The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches every
killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and feet, not
miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common sense and plain
dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one myself. I'm less now.
But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or less. And I believe we
must match our compassionate hearts to our preservative minds. I know
you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to a confusion. My message is:
I will get things done. I will inspire and untie. I will appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom
Thank you, and God help America.
The Bush Song
(sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies")
Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.
Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.
The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Nose candy.
Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he calls his daddy's friends and they call the GOP.
Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.
Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks say, "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.
Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now, ya hear?
Dear Abby, Bush Punch Lline
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and
one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are
prostitutes in Jersey City.
I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in
Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently
being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of neglecting his
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives
in the Bronx and, indeed, is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with
her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested
in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
themselves, it would get them off the street, and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into
the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here's
where I need your advice.
Should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Bush?
Worried About My Reputation
Bush Speech to Congress - 9-24-01 (After
The President's Nation of the State Address - 2001
On or about 9-24-01 Found hanging around uk.politics.misc newsgroup, received via email.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. President Pro Temporariness, members of Congress, and fellow Americans: In the normal course of events, presidents come to this chamber to report on the state of the union. Tonight, they have sent me instead.
We've seen the unfurling of flags, the lighting of candles, the unfolding of flags, the giving of blood, the waving of flags, the saying of prayers, and the savage beatings administered to people who dress differently and do not wave flags.
Tonight, we are a country awakened to danger. Who would have thought that callous disregard for the lives lost to American bombs abroad might one day lead to calamity?
Our grief has turned to anger and anger to resolution and resolution to jingoism and jingoism soon will be transmuted into a new batch of experimental and traditional weapons raining down on the human beings who inhabit the world's hovels.
Whether we bring our enemies to justice or bring justice to our enemies, just as I say, let me adjust this mike.
I thank the Congress for showing its leadership at such an important time by granting me the untrammeled right to imprison and destroy our designated demons du jour.
All who love America and who are uncommonly tolerant of shallow manipulation were touched on the evening of the tragedy to see Republicans and Democrats joined together on the steps of this Capitol singing ''God Bless America.''
And you did more than sing. You acted, you signed over $40 billion to the military-industrial
complex. Money that was nowhere to be seen earlier when desperate requests came
in for better schools or teacher's salaries or affordable housing.
Speaker Hastert, Minority Leader Gephardt, Majority Leader Daschle and Senator Lott, I thank you for your abject subservience, and for prostrating yourself before the needs of the corporate complex.
America is not alone in this. We will not forget South Korean children gathering to pray outside our embassy in Seoul, the way we forgot about them when they vainly huddled under a bridge to avoid being strafed by us in 1951, or the ones gunned down in Kwangju.
Let me thank all the countries standing by us, except for Canada.
America has no truer friend than Great Britain.
I'm so honored the British prime minister had crossed an ocean to show his unity with America in plotting yet another cataclysm of violence against the poorest nations on earth.
Thank you for coming, friend.
On September the 11th, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country.
Americans have known wars, but for the past 136 years they have been wars on foreign soil, except for one Sunday in 1941, which would have been on foreign soil, had we not annexed Hawaii and turned it into a fortress guarding our overbearing presence in Asia.
Americans have known the casualties of war, but not at the center of a great city on a peaceful morning. That knowledge, until now, has belonged almost exclusively to our adversaries.
Americans have known surprise attacks, but rarely from the receiving side. All of this was brought upon us in a single day, and night fell on a different world, a world where freedom itself is under attack, and I am not referring to the repressive laws we are about to enact.
Americans have many questions tonight. They are asking, ''Who wrote my speech?" They also want to know why it is that when a reporter asks me a question, I often look like a spaniel who has just heard an unfamiliar command.
The evidence we have gathered all points to a collection of loosely affiliated terrorist organizations known as al Qaeda. You may have heard of them before. I hadn't. They are the fundamentalists we bankrolled to kill Russians, and whom we now accuse of bombing American embassies in Tanzania and Kenya and say are responsible for bombing the USS Cole.
Al Qaeda is to terror as the mafia is to crime or I as am to the inane phrase and malapropism. But its goal is not making money, something we might respect. Its goal is remaking the world and imposing its radical beliefs on people everywhere. What dad likes to call New World Order, only I don't remember him giving permission to Al Qaeda or anyone else to try it.
The terrorists' directive commands them to kill Christians and Jews, to kill all Americans and make no distinctions among military and civilians, including women and children. Why they don't pick on Denmark or Australia beats the heck out of me.
They are recruited from their own nations and neighborhoods and brought to camps in places like Afghanistan where they are trained in the tactics of terror. They are sent back to their homes or sent to hide in countries around the world to plot evil and destruction. Everyone knows this, if they are familiar with the historical works of Stallone, or read Marvel publications.
The leadership of Al Qaeda has great influence in Afghanistan and supports the Taliban regime in controlling most of that country. In Afghanistan we see al Qaeda's vision for the world. Afghanistan's people have been brutalized, many are starving and many have fled.
Women are not allowed to attend school. You can be jailed for owning a television. Religion can be practiced only as their leaders dictate. A man can be jailed in Afghanistan if his beard is not long enough. Knowing this, you ask, why did we give the Taliban $43 million a couple of months ago. Simple. We thought at the time they could guarantee Unocal's pipeline, so we didn't sweat the small stuff.
The United States respects the people of Afghanistan -- as we do all of our bombees and others we threaten with annihilation. After all, we are currently its largest source of er, humanitarian aid -- but we condemn the Taliban regime who are now in our way.
Tonight the United States of America makes the following demands on the Taliban.
Deliver to United States authorities whomver we tell you to. And don't keep nagging us for evidence. We don't have to show you any stinking evidence.
Release all foreign nationals, including American citizens you have unjustly imprisoned. Protect foreign journalists, diplomats and aid workers in your country and stop holding up their mail from Langley. Close immediately and permanently every terrorist training camp in Afghanistan. And hand over every terrorist and every person and their support structure to appropriate authorities.
Give the United States full access to terrorist training camps. We need them. The Liblabs here have shut down ours at The School for the Americas.
In as much as you have no defense against our bombs, these demands are not open to negotiation or discussion. Once you accede to our demands, we will resume financing your fundamentalism, as we do Saudi Arabia's.
I also want to speak tonight directly to Muslims throughout the world. We respect your faith. But this is a free country, and that is why we allow our legislators and TV celebrities to refer to you as diaper-heads. Your faith is practiced freely by many millions of Americans and by millions more in countries that America counts as friends. Its teachings are good and peaceful, and those who commit evil in the name of Allah blaspheme the name of Allah. But Operation Infinite Mendacity is going to change all that.
The enemy of America is not our many Muslim friends. It is not our many Arab friends. It is not our friends. It is our enemy. When we ask you to disembark a plane so that regular Americans can travel safely, do not take it personally. Get that chip off your shoulders.
Our war on terror begins with Al Qaeda, but it does not end there.
It will not end until all evil has been found, all evildoers stopped and defeated, including the ones they call the Joker and the Penguin.
Americans are asking ''Why do they hate us?''
They hate what they see right here in this chamber: a democratically elected government. (LAUGHTER)
Their leaders are self-appointed. They hate our freedoms: our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote (LAUGHTER) and assemble and disagree with each other.
They want to overthrow existing governments in many Muslim countries including the Saudi Arabian democracy (LAUGHTER).
We're not deceived by their pretenses to piety.
We have seen their kind before. They are the heirs of all the murderous ideologies of the 20th century. Indeed, who but Muslims started the two world wars that took 70 million lives? Who is responsible for Korea and Vietnam?
Americans are asking, ''How can America and its allies possibly defeat a man who is hiding in a cave in the poorest country on earth?"
We will direct every resource at our command -- every means of diplomacy, every tool of intelligence (by the way, does anyone here know Farsi?), every instrument of law enforcement, every financial influence, and every necessary weapon of war.
Now, this war will not be like the war against Iraq a decade ago, when Americans laughed along with Stormin' Norman at the sight of terrified Iraqis scurrying to escape our surgical bombs. We may not go back to the good old days of the Highway of Death, but I guarantee there will again be stragglers to strafe. And soon Americans will once more wake up to find themselves bombarding a country they cannot locate on a map.
It will not look like the air war above Kosovo two years ago, where not a single American was lost in combat. Think of that. We bombed a country for months, wreaked havoc on its infrastructure, killed and maimed thousands of its citizens, and we didn't lose a single hero. And still some people hate us.
Our response involves far more than instant retaliation and isolated air strikes. Americans should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign unlike any other we have ever seen. It may include dramatic strikes visible on TV and covert operations, the details of which shall not be revealed until all of us are long dead.
We will starve terrorists of funding, turn them one against another, drive them from place to place until there is no refuge or no rest. As Mark said: O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst . . .
And we will pursue nations that provide aid or safe haven to terrorism or, this time, draft dodgers. Every nation in every region now has a decision to make: Either serve our machine or be considered terrorists.
Today, dozens of federal departments and agencies, as well as state and local governments, have responsibilities affecting homeland security.
These efforts must be coordinated at the highest level. So tonight, I announce the creation of a Cabinet-level position reporting directly to me, I call it the General Emergency Section Tracking Anti-American Populist Opposition.
These measures are essential.
Many will be involved in this effort, from FBI agents, now free to employ sleazier sleazebags as intelligence operatives, to the teams that are once again authorized to assassinate the leaders of other nations. All deserve our thanks, and all have our prayers.
I ask your continued participation and confidence in the American economy as it plunges toward the abyss.
America is successful because of the hard work and creativity and enterprise of people who frequently cannot afford a roof over their heads. These were the true strengths of our economy before September 11. and they are our strengths today.
Tonight I thank my fellow Americans for what you have already done and for what you are about to do without even being aware that you are doing it.
And ladies and gentlemen of the Congress, I thank you, their representatives, for what you have already done to help untangle us from the restrictions of the Bill of Rights and granting me absolute power. We will come together to promote stability and keep our airlines flying with direct assistance during this emergency. Ordinary people will have to fend for themselves.
We will come together to take active steps that strengthen America's economy and put our people back to work, although first we will have to finish turning them out into the cold, and that may take time.
In all that lies before us, may God grant us wisdom and may he watch uniquely over the United States of America, because we are the only country that truly honors the separation of church and state.
Miscellaneous Bush Funnies:
In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:
Come the millennium, month 12,
In the home of greatest power,
The village idiot will come forth
To be acclaimed the leader.
Illinois electors were surprised to discover Ralph Nader listed as the Reform Party candidate on their ballots. Quipped Illinois House Speaker Mike Madigan, "We placed an emergency call to Katherine Harris. She said it was OK." Washingtongossip.com
The Lord was enraged by prayers for His blessing upon George W. Bush and threatened widespread destruction.
Condoleezza Rice said it was "a wonderful time for the United States in foreign policy," because "it is a time when markets and democracy are spreading, when our values are being affirmed around the world, and yet it's a time of great challenge." She then expressed hope that democracy would spread to the United States. Yahoo News
According to the FBI, in 1999 "crime was up slightly in the South, and down slightly in the
Northeast, Midwest, and West. Crime was down in cities with populations of over 1 million
people, but went up in smaller cities, suburbs, and rural communities."
In other words, crime went up in Bush areas and down in Gore areas. CNN
REPUBLICAN PARTY ANNOUNCEMENTS
The GOP National Committee announced today that it is changing the Republican emblem from an elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects the party's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.
And, furthermore, it was reported today that at a White House staff meeting last week there was a heated discussion about the health of Vice President Cheney and his angina problem. President Bush interrupted and stated emphatically that "Men do not have anginas." The President was especially perplexed when a staffer said that Cheney has "acute angina."
Commonalties between Bush and Bin Laden (from received email )
1) Both are unelected, by the majority, leaders.
2) Both had training and a strong association with the CIA
3) Both were born with a silver spoon in their month
4) Both mix fundamentalist religion with politics far too much.
Bush gave $43 million to the Taliban in April 2001, because it was a faith
(not really a joke see -- www.badnewsbush.org/bnb/showbnewsRec.cfm?bnewsID=29)
Bush and his supporters do not know the difference between Patriotism and Nationalism.
Bush Pact with the Devil - on Iraq War and other
The devil appears before George W. Bush and says, "I'll make you a deal: I'll make you the most powerful ruler that's ever lived. Congress will give you total control, and the media will let you get away with anything you want. What I require in return is that people who dress funny and who happen to live in countries that aren't subservient to the U.S. will all die horrible, early deaths." So George ponders this offer for a moment, then looks up and says, "OK, what's the catch?"